Its been 10 years. I think i can talk about it completely now... My Dark Night of the Soul.
Firstly, what is a dark night of the soul? From what i perceive, it is a radical change in your energy after a traumatic event. It is a spiritual crisis which takes you through a period of intense introspection and leaves you permanently changed forever. It is, if you are lucky, an upgrade. It is a collapsing of old structures, an aggressive re-pathing initiated by your higher soul. It is a wake up call from the universe with a piece of spiritual 2 x 4 that HEY! You need to go this way now! WAKE UP! It is a Karmic awakening, a darkest before the dawn type of initiation which tests every fibre of your being. It is the tower in tarot, followed by the death card, followed by the hanged man, followed by the hermit, followed by the world, followed by the star, followed by the sun.
It was 2011. I had left my husband. I was so gaslit and had been with someone who was so narcissistic i didn't know my left hand from my right..all i knew was that i needed to get out of there or i was going to un-alive myself. Most of my friends and family knew what was happening and it came as no surprise, which somehow surprised me. No one had told me to leave, no one had told me how bad i was mentally-speaking, no one told me what was going on behind my back. I had a flash from the universe that this was much worse than what i thought and if i didn't get out now, something very very evil was on the horizon. It was a foreboding of impending doom.
During the first few months of the separation i was just holding it together. Many people feel elation when a relationship breaks down. I could wear what i wanted, go where i wanted, think what i wanted. For 5 years i had played 'whack a mole'. You know that game at the fun fair? Where you've got to hit the target, only you never hit the target because you are set up to fail? That was my paradigm. Every bit of my energy was taken up with being good enough..only i never ever ever got there and i was reminded on a daily basis that i would never get there. I mean, who the hell would stay? Only i did, for 5 years and another 7 years with the same relationship dynamic before that.
The dark night of the soul felt to me, like fast approaching storm clouds and it was fairly sudden. Only, it never really is sudden..these clouds are coming at you over your lifetime. You've just been ignoring them and have been trying to outrun them. I remember going from good one day...to literally suicidal and unable to get out of bed the next.
I was supposed to go for a photo shoot and i had friends arriving in town, only that was the day the universe decided that i was going to have a full system breakdown - Mentally, emotionally, physically. I rang lifeline and got the worst person you could imagine on the line, so i hung up and searched for things i could un-alive myself with. I had no hope, i was total mess, i was in total despair. I was living with friends and i'm glad there was no chemical or physical means for me to do so.. Thats the thing about suicide, it can happen so fast. I get it now...the darkness. I rang a friend and all i said was "Help me, i'm having a breakdown, can you come over?". She came and said, you can move in with me. The darkness had descended and it was crippling. My nervous system was totally shot. I was a shaking bawling mess, and this was just the beginning. I felt that everybody was out to get me, everything was my fault, i had caused every single thing in my life, everything was bad, i had ruined my life, there was no hope, i had wasted 37 years, i was a failure, i was a fraud, i was a bad person, i was evil, i was a human not worth a life. This was not some depressive self indulgent episode. This is something that you cannot help. It is darkness incarnate. It takes the breath from you. You want to implode. You want to crawl under your bed and never come out. I felt i was losing my mind, my grip on reality. I felt no one could help me, that this was a fate worse than oblivion. This shit is not called a dark night for nothing. I couldn't see a way forward or out. How do i right 37 years of the wrong way? It was an immense mountain of crap that i had no idea how to start unpacking, i lost all hope.
Even though you are in the dark tunnel in the dark night of the soul, you will have a huge down pouring of grace. The friend i moved in with tried so hard to help in every way. Thanks to her i am alive today, truly. She invited me to go along to have a girls day with an energy healer. I went and saw a woman in Rose Bay- Sarah Jane Coombe aka Brahman Kyrie. I had had healings before, but nothing like this. I immediately felt better afterwards and i committed to going weekly. I went and saw Abraham live as well as the Dalai Lama..all in the same month. It was incredible.
This intense part of the dark night lasted a year. I went to bed crying and woke up crying for nearly 9 months. It felt as if i was in a very long dark tunnel and there was only a speck at the end, that speck was Hope. I had to believe and have faith that this speck was my future - that there was something good for me. I had to quit my job. I had to cut off a lot of people. I partook in some pretty harmful behaviours and i suffered from depression very deeply. But one day i woke up and i didn't cry. I quit smoking, i stopped partying, i went to work, i got a plan and i committed fully to myself to change and to get better. Commitment to the Divine was my lifeline, but there are many paths out of rock bottom.
The process of changing my vibration from one of self blame, shame and anger, then to hope was long. It is a process and one i would never recommend taking alone. Get help. Professional help. I said yes to any self improvement/enlightenment/support program that came my way. My thought was, i can never go wrong if i am trying to be a better person. It has now been 10 years of conscious living. I said yes to everything i could possibly afford - it is the best money and time i have ever spent and i will continue for life. I had to delve deep into my childhood where the first patterns of being wrong, unloved and unwanted were rooted. To the recent past where i had unconsciously chosen that again. To today where i choose myself and love myself every day. My dark night of the soul lasted a whole year with another year hangover and a further 6 month testing period. Yes, you will be tested.
All in all, i would never want this experience again. But i do believe that i am one of the lucky ones. Many do not make it.
Most people stay unconscious and i cant blame them. The conscious journey is not easy. A dark night of the soul is not for the faint hearted, it takes you to the depths of hell and back. But i can say that because i survived that, i can survive anything.
This is how i became a healer. The process of cracking the shell and letting the light in can feel absolutely terrifying. It is a process of faith, ego death, humility, compassion, forgiveness and surrender- this can be Very very hard. Now, i help people with that process, as so many others had helped me. The test is worth it, life is wondrous and full of miracles, joy is there for you to take, when you are ready.
If you feel you may be experiencing a dark night of the soul, please reach out. Seek help. There is hope, there is a life, there is everything you've ever wanted right on the other side of that fear. The first step is Courage. You are worth it.
The poem 'Footprints in the Sand' is analogous to the dark night of the soul.
One night a man had a dream, he dreamed he was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Across the sky flashed scenes from his life. Each scene he noticed two sets of footprints in the sand, belonging to him and the Lord.
He noticed that many times along the path of his life there was only one set of footprints, always in the most difficult and sad times of his life.
This bothered him and he said to the Lord - "Lord, you said you'd walk with me all the way in my life, but during the most troublesome times of my life, there is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why you would leave me when i needed you the most."
The Lord replied..
"My child, i love you and would never leave you. During those times of great trial and suffering, it was then, that i carried you."
Resources for a dark night of the soul-